Just to be clear

A lexicon of not saying what you mean

Plain talking. Good grief, there’s precious little of that about these days. In politics. In the office. Even in some of the everyday phrases we use that often belie an alternate meaning. I always cringe when someone says a situation is “challenging”. In my experience what they mean is, “It’s an effing nightmare and we have no choice but to get on with it.”

So here, in a bit of a departure from my usual posts, I list 33 phrases we use in modern life…and suggest some possible translations, all in the spirit of making you smile.

1

It's a soft launch

We’re not ready so the service is likely to be shit.

2

We’re experiencing a high volume of calls

We’re in the toilets, vaping.

3

It is what it is

I’m trying to convince myself I’ve accepted the situation but I haven’t, so expect more moaning.

4

I like what you’ve done to your hair

What have you done to your hair?

5

I might join you later

I’m going straight home.

6

With the best will in the world

I have absolutely no intention of helping you out.

7

Is there anything else I can help you with today?

There. I’ve already forgotten I failed to help you with your first problem.

8

I want to make a few tweaks

You’re going to have to redo the whole thing.

9

That’s not bad

That’s actually surprisingly good.

10

That’s quite good

That’s actually pretty bad.

11

A friendly reminder

Why didn’t you reply the first time?

12

We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause

By ‘inconvenience’, we mean you’ll miss your transatlantic flight.

13

Oh, such a shame you have to cancel

Thank God, now I can watch Happy Valley.

14

I should start making a move

I can’t wait to go home.

15

You look summery

That outfit doesn't leave much to the imagination.

16

You’ve lost a lot of weight

I hate you.

17

This is my truth

Basically, I’m lying.

18

Let’s do some blue-sky thinking

Let’s talk total bollocks until the meeting ends.

19

We’ll be breaking down the silos

Oh God, we’re going to have to work more closely with the marketing team.

20

I don’t mean to be rude

I’m about to be rude.

21

With all due respect

I'm going to say exactly what I think and I don’t give a cobblers.

22

Let’s take this offline

Christ, don’t mention that in front of Sean from accounts.

23

Let’s agree to disagree

You’re clearly an idiot.

24

The new boss is a real disruptor

He’ll change everything on day one and when he inevitably leaves, those who’ve clung onto their jobs can change things back to how they were.

25

Going forwards

Don’t cock it up again.

26

You’re too sensitive

You’re perceptive and I’m losing the argument.

27

A game-changer

Some minor idea that will have next-to-zero impact in the scheme of things. (Meghan Markle once said that a perfectly cooked chicken was a ‘game-changer’ and when you take one to a dinner party, you win friends and influence people…I rest my case.)

28

Who knew?

I didn’t know but let’s assume you didn’t either so I feel better about the fact I didn’t know.

29

Honestly, it doesn’t matter

It will take me ages to get over this.

30

Whenever you get a minute

Now

31

We must get together

We won’t, I’m just being polite (but let’s repeat this every Christmas).

32

Let’s park that for now

I’ve filed it in the bin.

33

I’ve passed this onto our team

You’ll be lucky to hear from us again.